I thought I'd do a quick update on Atticus. This is not the usual happy update, but I think since this is my blog and I like to look back on all the memories, that it is ok to be honest. And, I like to see progress, so hopefully soon,
Atticus is almost 5!! And I don't know if 4, almost 5 year olds, can be as up and down to parent as Atticus has been these last 4 or 5 months, but it's not been easy. The thing is that he is such a good kid. He has the sweetest heart and doesn't think twice about being helpful to me if he sees a need. This has been great in these last few weeks of pregnancy when I don't bend well or do things as fast. He is quick to tell me he will do something "because you can't since you have the baby in your tummy". And that's ok with me. He is quick to want to help Grace do something when she needs help and asks me for it. He will jump in and just do things for her. Sometimes this is great and sometimes, I think this is spoiling her! But, I love that he wants to help. He knows right from wrong and we talk a lot about "thinking about it" so he will think before he acts or speaks sometimes. And when he is really trying hard, he will stop something he is doing and be so proud to tell me "I thought about it!" right before he might have made a wrong decision. Also, if he is in that trying hard mood, he will truly do everything kindly and right and not get upset for no reason. And while I do not expect perfection from him, I do want him to try. I know he is going to mess up, make mistakes, have bad moods, etc. And it is not easy to be the Big Brother who has to be a good example and cannot go back to acting like a 3 year old in situations where Grace might get away with something. I think that is the hardest part for me sometimes because I expect more out of him because he is older and has already learned how to behave in situations, but sometimes I am impatient and compare too quickly. And that is not always fair or easy for him or I to understand.
I think he thrives best on one-on-one attention and will ask for "Mommy Atticus time". But, mostly, we can't do that much during the day. I am going to try to make more time for that special time. I love it because he is so smart and funny and I love to be with him, but part of having siblings and family is that one-on-one time is not always readily available. And, sometimes I think he just has to learn that is part of life and sometimes, I think that I need to really work hard to give it to him as much as I can because one day he won't want "Mommy Atticus time". And honestly, once he's had some special time, he generally behaves better overall.
So, the part that is tough right now is that he gets so upset so quickly. If told no to something, he will throw himself on his knees or immediately whine and complain. And sometimes, it is something that is not a big deal. It's just a normal, "no, we are not going to do that right now". If he only did this with major things, I might understand his frustration more. But, it's with the smallest stuff that tomorrow he might not get upset about at all. And he gets this horrible glare on his face that just hurts my feelings, to be honest. And of course, as most toddlers/almost 5 year olds, he is relentless. So, saying no once doesn't always work. So, then we have to go to time out or eventually a spanking. And as a parent, I have to determine what is truly deserving of a spanking, because I want that to be the ultimate punishment. I have to figure out what to ignore and move on with and what to focus on. Ugh. I think when you are with them on your own 10 hours a day, it is different than if they are in school or doing other things for a few of those hours. There are days I feel like I am on him with everything he does. That doesn't help either of us have a good day. I don't mind the hard days and seeing progress, but goodness I hate to see him be miserable. I don't want him to think he can't do anything right or that I am just mad all day at him. I am not, but I am trying to figure out that balance. So, the rough days are rough, but the great days tend to be great! So, I know it's a phase and part of growing up, but as much as I am not a "worrier", I do get concerned about those daily decisions I make and how they are affecting him. I feel like he is my guinea pig sometimes, being the first child. And I don't know if that is ok or not!
Also, the only other thing I have to be frustrated with is that I cannot tell if he is listening or me or ignoring me. He is not a naturally disrespectful kid who wants to be a toot. I see those kids in his class or at the park; it's not that they are bad but I can tell some of them are just toots and could care less about pleasing anyone or hurting anyone's feelings. And thankfully, that is not Atticus. But, also in the last few months, I feel like he hears me less. I cannot decide if he just gets pre-occupied in his own mind or hears my voice so much all day, every day, that he tunes me out without really meaning to. And I might tell him "go get your shoes" 3 times in a row so quickly that he doesn't have enough time to do it before I am frustrated that he still hasn't done it. And that leads to seeming like he is being disobedient but maybe he's not really meaning to. And sometimes, I think he is actually ignoring me, but I can't tell. I try to ask him to repeat what I say or focus on me, but this is where I actually think he doesn't pay attention and hear the words I'm saying, because sometimes he has no idea what I just said and can't repeat it to me. So, clearly he wasn't listening. But, why? I'm not sure. And other times, we have just the opposite. He is focused. So, this is where I struggle because I expect immediate response or action or even when I'm being super extra duper patient, I still slowly lose it when over and over and over I feel like I'm being ignored. So, some of this is on me because I need to be calmer and more patient and figure out how to react better.
So, parenting is hard. Everyone says it is. And I am such a go with the flow person, that I think things will work out. But, also, I am with him more than anyone else and essentially am his biggest influence in terms of "number of hours spent with him" although of course he has Vic who is such a wonderful influence, thank goodness. So, I want to be consistent with parenting, even though that is hard too because I am just trying to figure it out and every kid is different! And, I am not perfect either so I have bad days and moments when I react the wrong way. So, it's hard to be a great example in those moments.
On the other hand, I want to say that he is the sweetest. I don't know another word for it. We talk about "thinking of others before ourself" lately because he's also in that "all about me" phase. He just thinks of himself first - totally natural for this age. He is becoming his own little person with his own opinions and it is easy to first think of yourself when you are doing that. But, in the evenings, he is so sweet when we are getting ready for bed and getting them to sleep and taking care of Grace by crawling into bed with her at night. And, if he thinks he is helping you or being an important part of something, he is just sweet and thoughtful. That's why I am so glad he is a big brother to Grace. She is so lucky because he loves her. So. Much. Even when she is a toot and doesn't want to play with him (she is such an independent player), he still loves her. His feelings get hurt, but he will try to find ways to play with her by telling her he will play "her way" or finding a toy to offer her to add to her playing.
I also think he is such a perfectionist in some ways and that makes things harder for him. He doesn't always want to try something new unless he knows he can be good at it. And he tells me all the time that he doesn't have as good of an imagination as Grace so he needs me to tell him new ways to play with his toys or he just needs me to play with him. Of course, if I can sneak to play with just him and Grace catches us, then she wants to play. And we should include her, but he gets mad because he wants the one-on-one time (that he might have gotten 5 minutes of before Grace joined). And then we have to talk about sharing and not being ugly and then he gets mad and then they fight and you can see how these situations get. Then, the next thing you know, he is in trouble because he is not making the right decisions. And from his point of view, I can see how that is really hard to understand.
It won't get easier with a new baby, as far as time, but I'm hoping I can show him how important his role will be with a new baby as well. I want him to know that he is so important and loved. And there are definitely days where I hope he does know that, even though he and I have not had the best day together.
Oh and there are days I see progress! Church is a constant work in progress for us. He is comfortable there and while that is good, it is easy for him to not realize that this is Church. We have to be respectful of God's house and not run around like we would at the park. And in general, church is public and we are always working on behaving in public the right way. So, at church this past Easter Sunday, we attended the early service which does not have Kingdom Time. Kingdom Time is where he usually goes for about 30-40 minutes for a snack and lesson. But, they only do it at the late service. So, while Grace was in the nursery, he was having to sit and color and read his book for the entire time. And sitting quietly and still for an hour and 15 minutes is not easy for anyone. But, he did great! On his own, he would stand during songs and prayer (although I'm perfectly fine with him sitting down to just look at his book or color). He would look up at me as if to say "i'm trying to be grown up" and I was so proud. And he would constantly take my hand or lean over to hug me. He really reacts to praise of "I'm proud of you" and it makes him so happy that he tries harder. So, he was being so sweet and I was truly proud that he was thinking about how to act in the service and working hard to do a good job.
Oh my little Atticus. I love you so much and I know these little daily things are nothing compared to what some families face. And we will get through it and both be better!!!
Side note: I am reading this book called "Raising Boys" by James Dobson. And I can't wait to have time to read it all. It is so good and James Dobson and I think alike. And it has lots of reasons that the things above are so normal for boys. I've just gotten into that chapter. I'm ready for him to tell me how to "raise them" now that he is telling me some of these things are not uncommon....
Okay until next time!
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